School has been hellacious this semester. I don't think that I have made it through one week without thinking, 'This is it. I'm getting kicked out. I'm not going to make it. Forget being a nurse, a midwife...it's not for you, etc...'
Last week was the worst...
So this semester began with a notice from the advisors that acceptance into the summer session will be GPA/Seniority based. I really wanted to be accepted because that would mean a graduation date of Aug 2013. I started to doubt and fear that I wouldn't get accepted because my GPA was ok, but not great, and the email from the advisor didn't come as soon as they said it would.
Well the email came. I got accepted. Woohoo- here comes BSN Aug 2013.
Then came the trip to the financial aid office - oh, what is that you say??? My funds are maxed??? Scholarships are only awarded in the spring/fall???
Deep breath, gulp...ok...just another item to add to the prayer list.
This discovery was followed by my first F in the lecture portion of the critical care nursing course, my first F in the clinical portion of the critical care nursing course, and a disciplinary write up stating my failure to progress in my care plans/documentation and time management.
The sleepless nights of care planning, and studying...led to Fs.
Needless to say, I was pretty effed out last week.
I cried...and cried. Took out my frustration on those I love- failing as a mom and wife . Cried some more...and eventually just prayed. Realizing I can not do this alone. Apart from God... I can't do anything. I fail as a mom, a wife, and as a student.
After this realization, I discovered it was my week to do children's meeting ( some folks call it Sunday school). I was exhausted, spent. I had the attention span of a gnat. This semester our curriculum for the kids covers the ten commandments, as well as some other stories in the old testament like with Daniel and his companions.
Well, as usual, Isaiah and I were late to the singing/opening time. But the Lord knew...
So as I walked in, the first word I heard was 'midwives.' What??? One of the dads who does the opening portion of our meeting for the kids was introducing the children to a new song about midwives and how they feared Jehovah and did not do as Pharaoh bid, and Jehovah dealt well with them. ( I will post the pic at some point). The children were given the story of the midwives and how important they were, and how Pharaoh had told them to kill all the male babies, etc..
But!! The midwives feared Jehovah, not Pharaoh! and Jehovah took care of them.
I thought that was so good to hear. My fear has been wrapped in anxiety- the pharaoh of this age. I'm so anxious...all the time that I can't function! My fear and trust should be in the Lord!! What a timely reminder! Just depend on Him!!
