A Reminder...

School has been hellacious this semester. I don't think that I have made it through one week without thinking, 'This is it. I'm getting kicked out. I'm not going to make it. Forget being a nurse, a midwife...it's not for you, etc...'
Last week was the worst...

So this semester began with a notice from the advisors that acceptance into the summer session will be GPA/Seniority based. I really wanted to be accepted because that would mean a graduation date of Aug 2013. I started to doubt and fear that I wouldn't get accepted because my GPA was ok, but not great, and the email from the advisor didn't come as soon as they said it would.
Well the email came. I got accepted. Woohoo- here comes BSN Aug 2013.
Then came the trip to the financial aid office - oh, what is that you say??? My funds are maxed??? Scholarships are only awarded in the spring/fall???
Deep breath, gulp...ok...just another item to add to the prayer list.
This discovery was followed by my first F in the lecture portion of the critical care nursing course, my first F in the clinical portion of the critical care nursing course, and a disciplinary write up stating my failure to progress in my care plans/documentation and time management.
The sleepless nights of care planning, and studying...led to Fs.
Needless to say, I was pretty effed out last week.
I cried...and cried. Took out my frustration on those I love- failing as a mom and wife . Cried some more...and eventually just prayed. Realizing I can not do this alone. Apart from God... I can't do anything. I fail as a mom, a wife, and as a student.
After this realization, I discovered it was my week to do children's meeting ( some folks call it Sunday school). I was exhausted, spent. I had the attention span of a gnat. This semester our curriculum for the kids covers the ten commandments, as well as some other stories in the old testament like with Daniel and his companions.
Well, as usual, Isaiah and I were late to the singing/opening time. But the Lord knew...
So as I walked in, the first word I heard was 'midwives.' What??? One of the dads who does the opening portion of our meeting for the kids was introducing the children to a new song about midwives and how they feared Jehovah and did not do as Pharaoh bid, and Jehovah dealt well with them. ( I will post the pic at some point). The children were given the story of the midwives and how important they were, and how Pharaoh had told them to kill all the male babies, etc..
But!! The midwives feared Jehovah, not Pharaoh! and Jehovah took care of them.
I thought that was so good to hear. My fear has been wrapped in anxiety- the pharaoh of this age. I'm so anxious...all the time that I can't function! My fear and trust should be in the Lord!! What a timely reminder! Just depend on Him!!

Procrastinator

It's 2 days before my first Med/Surg II lecture...and I have not done the reading. Why? I've been avoiding it. I don't know why, I need to stop this habit. My goal is to read all the required readings before every class. I think caffeine is in order today.
I made it through my second Research class. It was brutal. I hate it when people read PowerPoint slides to me...but in broken Thailand-accented English... ughhhh!!!! I really like this professor, and she's got such a sweet heart. I'd enjoy the class a little more if she interacted with us.
She tries to...and maybe only 3 of us cooperate. :( The silence after she asks a question is so sad. When she's talking, students are talking ( sooooo rude), but when she asks a question it's silence.. Awkward silence.
So what's on the agenda for today:
Cardio cardio cardio
Virtual care plan
EKG strips
Find out everything for my community project - zip code 38127
Research readings
Research quizzes
Dishes, laundry, trash, vacuum, coloring, crafts, bible verses, cook, etc...my brain is melting.

Timing...

I received an invitation in the mail for an open house event at Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt is one of the schools...really the only school I've looked at for obtaining a CNM degree. The Vanderbilt School of Nursing has a modified block program ( distance education). Basically, I can get my degree from Vanderbilt without having to leave
Memphis. Very convenient and practical. If I went that route, I would work under a CNM, gaining experience. Per my conversation with the admissions department last week, I could also work under an OBGYN. Previously, I had been under the impression that I HAD to be under a CNM, which I was worried about because Memphis has a few CPMs, but maybe only one or two CNMs. Memphis is a little behind...not very pro-midwifery, which is weird...because TN as a whole, is rich in midwifery history with Vanderbilt and The Farm.
During my conversation with the admissions department, it dawned on me. I may gain my BSN in time to begin the CNM program at Vanderbilt fall 2013, but...but, I may not have my license in time. I don't know why...but I was under the impression that as long as I had a BSN, then I could enter into the CNM program. For some reason my mind slipped the fact that I don't know when I'll take the NCLEX. Funny side note: the admissions lady asked me if I would pass the NCLEX, and I was like ugh, YEAH! She realized how weird that question sounded, lol. She meant to say, will you pass it in time...for the fall 2013 semester. If I graduate in August, then I'll most likely
not take the NCLEX for another few weeks. The Fall 2013 semester begins at the end of August.... :(
The program begins only in the Fall. So I would have to wait a year. Which might be best. I've entertained the ideas of having another child after I graduated, and having a home birth...Lord knows.

But first! I must get through this first week of clinical orientation and read EVERYTHING for cardio. I will ACE that first exam. I must...

Ok stop blogging and go study!

And...We're off ...

To another semester. I almost teared up- I have finally made it to 4th semester! Supposedly the hardest semester. We'll see...
So yesterday, Thursday, school officially started, but this is the first semester that I have not had a class or clinical on Thursday. I spent the morning jamming printers on campus, while using up my paper quota for the semester in less than 3 hours. Nursing school is about saving lives...not trees ;-)

I also applied for summer session. Limited spots, based on GPA, etc. BUT! I will be a 5th semester(er) ( last semester ) so I will have priority. If I get permission to do summer session, my graduation will be this August ( AAAHHHHH!!!!!) it's soooooo close.
Side note- I stole the 3 whole punch at the library ( don't worry I did give it back, I just needed to whole bunch hundreds of sheets of syllabi), and when I went to communicate to the new librarian on the shift that I had taken the raggedy thing in order to whole punch nursing school stuff, he pulled out a laminated license...his first RN license, and gave me a little encouragement. He said he was so proud of the day he received his license that he had it laminated, and now carries it in his wallet. I thought that was cute...anyway

Oh, time for my first class. Evidenced Based Research. 3 hours of this and then a taco bell lunch date with my lover. I think he's only after me for the free taco bell. :/

And the journey continues...

Good News

Clinical placements have been posted! And...'drum roll please'...I don't have to travel out of state for my icu clinical! Yes! I'm just 15 minutes down the rode...if I hit every light ;-).
I also found out that someone else is teaching med/surg II lecture. I've been studying the notes of the previous professor, but it's all the same right? Congestive heart failure is congestive heart failure regardless of who's teaching it.
I'm a little stressed over cardio, though. Trying to absorb EKGs. Atrial depolarization, diastole, ST segment, V Fib, A Fib, PRI < .12 sec, ventriculhgdsfjjbcddhjkcghgkmmm...my brain is melting!!!!
But I can do this...I know I can...I know I will. August 2013 here I come!

I did de-stress a little by watching The Christmas special of Call the Midwife. Great episode! I love Chummy's character. Unfortunately the show doesn't start back up til March for us Amurikins. Not. Fair.

In the mean time, I'll be trying to get my hands on anything related to midwifery. So far I've discovered that my city doesn't carry midwifery books at the Barnes and Noble, but the libraries do...and some of the copies of the books have been checked out and not returned. People, please return your library books! I of course special ordered Birth Matters. One of my favorites!! Almost finished with it. I'll probably start Spiritual Midwifery
next. From time to time, I'll post excerpts.
I've added a pic of what I've checked out at the library so far. And, yes...I will be returning my books. :)

The Countdown Begins...

10 days left. My break is almost OVER!!! Argh. At the beginning of the break, I had intentions of studying EKGs, ABGs, and drugs. Yeah, didn't really happen. The stress and the anxiety of the lecture content has increased, but for some reason, the actual knowledge and understanding has not...hmmm. :/ I still have those intentions with 10 days left though! I will commit at least an hour a day to EKGs...at least.

My schedule this semester :
Medical-Surgical Nursing II - Lecture
Medical-Surgical Nursing II - Practicum
Community Nursing - Lecture
Population & Focus - Practicum
Evidence Based Research

On top of trying to be the best mom ever...and not strangling my husband. I really do love him, but gosh!...it's hard being married - PERIOD.

For now ...it's bed time with Roar of Snore and the Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore ( my favorite).

Thoughts on Pain and Provision of Support

' Pain is what the patient says it is. ' Wise words from my pharmacology professor. I was reminded of his words today during an experience with a family member who was going through one of their awful 'spells.' These spells are the result of a brain tumor...a brain tumor just hangin' out. The doctors have said that it is benign, but how can anything taking up space in the brain, be benign? Anyway, the tumor just sits there, wreaking havoc, causing vertigo from Hades for this family member. I don't know what they're experiencing, but during this particular spell ( the worst I've witnessed), I felt...I can't explain. I wanted to help, but didn't know how. And it frustrated me. Do I touch, do I not touch??? Do I talk, do I not talk? 'Do you need this or that...are you sure???' I felt like my anxiety would just make it all worse. It made me wonder how I would offer support to laboring women. I mean every woman is different. Some require touch, while some can't tolerate the extra stimulation while they're 'riding the waves.' I just hope I can be sensitive to their needs when the time comes.
During my maternity semester, there were so many people in the room while a mom was laboring - the mom, support ( that could range from one to two people), nurse for mom, obgyn, nurse to help obgyn, nurse for baby, and if that's not enough - at least 4 nursing students. What kind of energy is in that room??? I felt like there wasn't much room , so to speak, for support and comfort. Sometimes a few words were given and maybe a pillow moved around, but that was about it. Many seem to think that comfort/support is the same as epidural. It's not.
I also noted that with the lack of emotional support, there tends to be a lack of respect. For example: there was a patient whom I had never met. She was not assigned to my nurse, so therefore I was not assigned to care for her. In nursing school, everyone wants to see a delivery , well two deliveries - a Csec and a vaginal. I had seen both, actually a few, and the atmosphere and standard of care really bothered me. This was at the end of the semester. So I wasnt really eager to see another delivery of that nature. Anyway, there was a lady who's husband was a doctor, and he was very supportive of her. From what I was told they were a sweet couple. They had never seen/met me nor some of the other nursing students, who wished to get in on more deliveries. The couple was familiar with two, maybe three students. When the mother went into labor, the students who were not assigned to that mother, wanted to go in. I didn't feel comfortable doing that. Next thing I know, someone came out of the room and said she had delivered. The students were upset they had missed the delivery.
One of the seasoned nurses, told them to go on in still- this nurse knew nothing really about the patient. I said we probably shouldn't, and this nurse looked at me like I was being silly, and insisted that we go on in. The nursing students jumped on it...and I made a stupid decision to reluctantly follow. As soon as I stepped in the room, I regretted it. The look on the mom's face, the look I had seen on every mom's face that semester after a delivery when they take the child away, and the mom is just lying there ( so many emotions going through her), legs still lifted in that contraption. There's no bonding. She can't even see her child, because there are fifty million nursing students/nurses surrounding her perfectly healthy child trying to get vitals/APGAR...And then there's a handful of students just staring at her vagina. The dad is just standing around bewildered. Luckily he's taller than all the nurses, so he can see...somewhat..his child. The dad/mom looked at the new influx of nursing students, like, 'who are you?' I smiled and promptly walked backed out and vowed to never do that again. I felt so bad.